DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?