doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.