Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
You Might Also Like
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.