Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Genius idea!!

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

#SCOTUS one-star review

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger