doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
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My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am