Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
You Might Also Like
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes