Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.