Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Has science gone too far?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I have never heard an armadillo before.