Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared