Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow