Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
August 8
good work, everybody
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka