Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
dutch is not a serious language
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”