Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
What