Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.