@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

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@MichaelaOkla

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

@ch000ch

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

@shadonium

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@SirEviscerate

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

@rockymomax

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

@envydatropic

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

@LeBearGirdle

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

@ohheyitskel

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY