DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My dog learned how to text
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough