doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off