Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
You Might Also Like
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Single and childfree like Jesus
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.