DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.