DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish


HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..


We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.


Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will


Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……


There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH


*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend


Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.



“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”


In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.