Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I’m calling the cops.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long