doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
getting old is fun
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Google Pay be like:
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Me: I really need to save money
Also me: