doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
WHO DID THIS?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening