doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
You Might Also Like
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it