Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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(Musicians.)
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”