DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*