Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.