doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*