A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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Daughter:What’s a whore?
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.