Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck