Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.


Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!


There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.


[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring


*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*



Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.