doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.