DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*