[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Webb. James Webb.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I feel attacked.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….