doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”