doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
getting old is fun
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Hot hot hot 🥵
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.