Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.