Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
that de-escalated quickly
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Holy shit he’s back
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”