Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
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Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.