[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
You Might Also Like
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
step 6: release the wall snake
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.