[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
smartest karate player in the world
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets