[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Yup.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I have a new favorite meme page
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.