doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.