@pixelatedboat

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

@adult_mom

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

@2tickytacky

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

@abbeyaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die