Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman