@BillPelicanBros Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
@pixelatedboat Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
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@BillPelicanBros read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
@ReelQuinn “Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
@Darlainky I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
@KyleMcDowell86 ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
@chaoplasm This is the best one I’ve seen
@adult_mom Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
@2tickytacky Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
@abbeyaar Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
@hythemafia My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die