Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of


“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God


I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.


ME: I need to return this blender
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”


Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering


Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.


Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.


My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die