Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I finally found a reason to live again.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.