Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me when I see my crush
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.