[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour