[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”