[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
did it work
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
PARKOUR
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here