Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.