Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
こいつ天才
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket