@3sunzzz

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

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@Miss_MI_Kay

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

@notalogin

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

@stevevsninjas

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@heatherlou_

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

@TrophyCatas

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?