Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
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Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
This probably isn’t good
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.