Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ