Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Has science gone too far?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.